Prologue

       As a young girl I always had a love for writing to help me get through some difficult moments. I always said I wanted to write a book but didn’t believe anyone would read it. So I would start and stop writing. My mother also use to write so it felt like a connection and I suppose a way to be closer to her. So you may ask why 20 years later I am finally doing it? Well ironically I was going through a lot and I felt like God put it back in my heart to do it after multiple clear signs to do it. I was thinking about my podcast one day while at work and he told me “ from grief to grace” and I remember thinking wow that would be a great podcast reboot episode. A couple days go past and I was talking with a friend and he said “ maybe you should write a book “. I laughed but knowing that it wasn’t a coincidence. The next night I was laying in bed unable to sleep and I heard God tell me that was your book title. I immediately started laughing like Ok God you have a funny way of giving me answers before I even have the questions to ask you. ( insert Praise Break ) Fast forward to Friday that week I went to my churches prayer night. My pastor prayed over me and through my pastor told me “ write the book Dejhaya God gave you the skills just pick up the pen. ( or in this case the laptop ).

 

       I am grateful for Gods inspiration in writing this book. I have overthought  this book for the last 6 months in hopes that God would give me a pass but much like all the things God may require of us the tug on your heart, spirit and mind never go away. This book is full of my own life experiences not an autobiography but a biography of my Grief experiences and what they have taught me. The reality is we all experience Grief in immensely deep ways. I want anyone who reads this book to understand  that you are not alone and there is always a purpose to your pain and your tears will never be wasted where God is involved. Between therapy and trusting God I have learned a lot. There may be things you don’t agree with and that’s okay. This book is not meant to be a factual study book but a guide to remind yourself we all have grief and how we perceive our grief is what matters. So with that being said my prayer is that you walk away from this book feeling a little more understood and maybe with a nugget or two to take with you as life goes on. I understand this book may not be your cup of tea entirely and some topics you may not be able to relate to but what I have learned is that one of the things we all have in common is grief. Allow me to show you what going from grief to grace can do for you.

 

Chapter 1: The begining

 

Grief: (noun) deep sorrow, especially that caused by someone's death.

       From a young age I was introduced to the pain of life. I never asked to be here so I never understood why my life was destined to be so hard. I’m sure some of you can relate. It took me many years and many lessons to understand God didn’t intend for my life to be hard but to know that what the enemy planned to use for evil God would use it for good. Even if it didn’t seem that way as a child. While this book may house stories that trigger things for you I also want you to know that you are loved and never alone. Never let the grief be the thief of your joy!

 

       From a young age I can recall the pain and heartbreak that came from loss. Though I didn’t entirely understand what it was my earliest experience with Grief was probably in the womb. The separation from leaving the comfort of my mothers warm womb to being cold, alone and separated. However that experience is not something we necessarily remember. I still haven’t figured out why that is but I assume maybe that is the start of our brains way to attempt to protect us from trauma.

 

       I had a young mother and maybe what I considered at a young age an elderly father ( not really ) but from a kids perspective he could have been my grandfather. It wasn’t until later in life this became something I had to learn and grieve from. What I can say is that my parents were very loving towards me though I have many gaps in youth where they simply weren’t there. At 4 years old my parents were married my mother was 21 and my father was 51 though it only lasted 11 months there was a lot of trauma my mother experienced during that time. My father being an alcoholic played a big part in that. After their divorce I remember sleeping in our car and not understanding why. I was a very curious and intelligent child I always was well spoken and asked a lot of questions. I could tell my mother felt terrible for our situation but I wasn’t judging her I just remember trying to understand our situation. Looking back at it I wonder if this is where my ability to take on others issues and become a fixer started.

 

       In my childhood my grandmother was my best friend. She loved me more than anything ( well almost anything ). We would play dress up, she loved wigs and makeup and would always include me! We were always together. Two peas in a pod. There was a time we had the old school wax red lips which were way to big for my lips and It was the funniest thing to me at 4 years old. We were so close that when I was 5 and my mom came and told me my grandma had diedI was hysterical. I called her a liar and told her I wanted to see my grandma RIGHT NOW! It took me awhile to accept that I would never see her again. I couldn’t empathize  with my mom either because she was trying to be strong for all of us. At my age now and living through the grief of losing a mother I don’t know how she did it!

 

       Grief is such a weird and powerful emotion that our responses to it vary is vastly different ways. Grief in children can be just as difficult  it is easy to write childhood grief off because  you may think or believe that it won’t be remembered, but the reality is that pain is something you could never forget. Even knowing that my grandmother was a drug addict who tried time and time again to get clean and in the end lost the battle. I could have blamed her and maybe I should’ve but I didn’t know who to blame and I think internally I began to blame God. I always knew who he was but I didn’t understand why he took the only person in my life that was constant. My father was stuck on the bottle and my mother was doing her best to find herself and be there for her siblings and me and unfortunately as much as my mom loved me she just simply wasn’t there and I don’t blame her for that but it really effected me later in life. I felt like I had no one.

 

       So real true and deep grief started for me at 5 and that was the beginning of a losing downhill battle with what would become the story of my life.

About The Author

Dejhaya Taylor